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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Time is precious

Time is precious...

So much time wasted,
wasted in such foolish ways
to trade a relaxing stroll on a clear path to my dreams for a bumpy, pitted road, blanketed in twisted and thorny obstructions
no destination can be reached on this road, it is endless
to think of all of the beautiful sunsets unnoticed, all of the truly wondrous days unappreciated
to think of, instead, choosing a perception clouded and cluttered with senseless chaos
if today were my last, my soul would be drenched with sorrow and regret
to know how I wasted so much of my precious time

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Now I Just Walk Through Dreamy Clouds

So, its May 8,2017, eight more days and I'll be 40. I find myself sitting in the desert on a brisk night, not by choice, but circumstance. I sit here listening to coyotes yelping in the distance, and an extremely confused bird who, at 1am, decides to almost frantically mock a frog.  I sit here and try to appreciate the bright moonlight, and all things I have and will continue to experience through my senses. 
  I have been meditating a lot lately, and putting effort into being positive and noticing and controlling my emotions. 
  Although, at the moment, my situation wouldn't prove all of the meditation and positive thinking have done me a bit of good, but it has, my perception of things is so different, and that is the beginning of change.
  I think to myself, "here I am, again".
I have been exactly where I'm at right now a countless number of times, like a broken record, I always say. 
  The first few times I found myself here, I was resentful, tearful, and confused. I thought to myself several times, "What about karma? I'm a good person , what did I do to deserve this, why me?"  I had intense feelings of jealousy, resentment towards everything, and despair can only slightly begin to describe what has engulfed me.  I was constantly in tears, and I started to,  "disconnect",  if you will.
  Those feelings gradually faded with each time I, again, found myself alone with nowhere to go. Now I find myself here again, those feelings so faded by now,  they have been replaced with numbness and wonder. 
  I wonder what I have missed, there is some lesson here obviously but I still can't seem to pin point it. I also wonder why I'm not frantic or anxious, well, for the most part anyway. Is something wrong with me? Well of course, or I wouldn't continue to find myself here, but I wonder if there's more, I have been letting "Auto Pilot" take charge as often as can be, but most of the time I feel it is the best decision.  I'm just so spacey, I can hardly grasp my mind in such a way to even realize this until after the fact. It's so comfortable in the clouds though, I wish I could stay here sometimes, and I come back every chance I get, staying longer each time and paying less attention to "reality". I know that I won't get very far that way, but I'm back at the starting point after all I've tried, after all of the fear and tears, so I feel like, at least I'm not balling my eyes out, hyperventilating and all that, now I just walk through dreamy clouds. It's not like I could accomplish less, right? Plus "Auto Pilot" seems pretty intelligent and has kept me alive, so far.